thoughts and words

was talking to sweetie last night over the phone. i realised, the more i know him, the more i see a serene in front of me. frankly speaking, should i love myself or hate myself? LOL. never mind.

i just see lots of familiarities in us. but perhaps i am the more emotion-less one. what he told me yesterday really reminds me of what i was and perhaps still of what i am. i don't know why, just like what he says, people don't understand and they are not able to see the world we are in. up till now, cz can never see or feel what i felt, what i saw. i meant, i never asked him to look into my world. all i asked for was to let things settle it that way but he is those sort whom likes to challenge you. really. then, all i could think of was to go back to my family because they really needed me. but he didn't see it. i guess till now, he still see it as a betrayal. cz ah, you will never know the feeling of losing someone who is your everything, leaving in a house which seems more like a hotel, with 2 other very depressed people and having to tolerate their temper, after that, losing the comfort you thought you have found. really, in this sort of circumstances, i really thought i should just jump off. but then i realised, if i wasn't to be strong and support the 2 of them, who's going.

come on, i was barely 18 then, how can someone who is barely an adult yet going to be an adult. reality is hard to face sometimes. but whatever, i have always being independent. too independent, too alone.

its really really very tiring to wear so many masks, trying to act as if you are a superwoman when you know you are not one. yet you can never find someone who can truly understand you. ok, i don't need you to understand me. but it really hurts when you thought you found a listening ear, then the person say you are self-pitying. blah blah. ok. enough of this topic.

but then, like what Albert says:
anyhow, whichever u do it...do know how to strike a bal, otherwise u go bongus

ok, anyway, i was taking dinner today. opposite a basketball court. then on fri, with li ping we went over to the sports complex. keke! saw sly training on the track. o.O but never mind. saw the basketball team playing. so was thinking during dinner, perhaps, if i didn't quit the basketball team, my life would have definitely be different. because i wouldn't have got involved with enterprise competitions. and perhaps, i wouldn't be where i am currently.

oh, anyway, choon hou was asking me whether am i interested in meeting PM Lee. OMG lah! PM LEE!!! what am i going to say to him if i ever meet him? anyway, next saturday, Go Global talk. 2nd public speaking. =) keke.

mummy, i miss you so so much.